Three Years of Grad School

Right after graduating I wanted to write down my thoughts about my time in grad school, and I never expected a whole year to slip by. I could never have imagined that I, barely scraping through with my grades and never thinking I'd go to grad school, would actually go and finish. A period full of gains; how lucky I was.

Why did I go to grad school?

After graduating from university, I worked as a project planner at an interactive-technology company (although the actual work was project management). In my fifth month I hit a wall. The department had no manager to lead it, and I watched the boss make big promises to clients off the cuff. I could foresee that we'd end up blamed for failing to deliver the expected product (and that was in fact already happening), and it hurt, but I was powerless to do anything about it.
Just when I was torn and shaken by "Does work really have to violate your conscience and morals like this?", a university professor happened to contact me about helping with an exhibition, we met for a meal and a chat, and I got a push to apply for grad school. It was late December.

In a whirlwind I quit in late January, prepared my application materials while celebrating the New Year, and after sending them off started working on my résumé, planning to find two part-time jobs to experience life, since being able to support myself was a must. Then from March I worked part-time at a foundation, and that entanglement lasted three and a half years, spanning my whole grad school life.

So far, this doesn't seem to answer "why did I go to grad school?" To be honest, applying was an impulsive decision made half-pushed and half-willing (the act of "applying" is just paying a fee). I felt stuck at work and only felt that no matter what, life has to move forward. When I actually quit, I also found myself another way out at the same time: a part-time job, so that if I didn't get into grad school I could at least support myself and then look for another full-time job; and if I did get in, it would just be one of the options.

When I found out I'd got in, it naturally followed that I decided to go.
Yet the purpose of studying in this program and how it would help (or relate to) my future work were still blurry. The department itself was new, covering a wide mix of arts and humanities, social sciences, marketing and management, which gave me room to dodge the question, and I can't really deny that I'm the kind of person who "went to grad school to escape work".

What did I learn in grad school?

Because I didn't want to be a full-time student, I worked part-time while studying.

Although it was busy and there were times I couldn't keep a balance, I never regretted putting myself in that state. For one thing I had an income to support myself, and for another my work experience became nourishment for learning. Both the part-time job and my previous full-time job gave me material to compare against and think about when facing theories in the social sciences, management and so on. Besides that, discussing my questions about learning with classmates, friends and colleagues of different backgrounds, expertise and life experience opened up my angles and horizons for seeing things.
For example, the foundation I worked for part-time was about environmental conservation, so in class I used it as my topic and went through the literature, which let me understand the foundation's mission and its relationship with society from another level. I also thought about where my own values should sit, as an employee practising the organisation's ideals, if I had the chance to work in this field in the future.

But when I chose to do qualitative research for my master's thesis, I could never confidently affirm its value. I always felt it was only a record and inferences that talked to myself, and I was uneasy that all the discussion and analysis was built on my own judgement. (Perhaps this also reflects my own inferiority complex.) "The distance and relationship between me and others" became a huge theme during my research, making me question where I stand, not only in research but also in work and life: me and the research, me and the participants, me and work, me and society, me and the issue, me and life, me and friends.
(Note: though my friend S thinks this kind of "confusion about qualitative research" is something students in the home department already run into back in university, and that for cross-disciplinary people like us, or a cross-disciplinary department, the school should be more active in helping students build "research fundamentals", rather than letting grad school feel like a second university. This seems to touch on the issue of grad school becoming like university, so let's leave it aside.)

Wu Ming-Yi said: "I think in the human world it's very hard to have a role that only watches without getting involved. People are always caught up in relationships with others, which is a constraint and a responsibility, and also a kind of beauty." — preface to 《我想告訴你關於那座山的一切》

I happened to read this passage at the time, and it struck my heart deeply.

During grad school I spent a lot of time thinking: reflecting constantly, putting myself in others' positions, borrowing concepts. The problem I wanted to solve was actually myself, and classes and research became material for self-exploration. If you look at it from the angle of "the purpose of grad school is to train academic researchers", for me that obviously wasn't what it was.

Hindsight: go or not?

After graduating from university and going through my first job, I had a deep sense of inferiority, with anxiety about being unable to say "what my professional ability is" and the frustration of not finding anything to affirm myself with always following me. Fortunately I slowly grew confidence through my part-time work. That was my luck.
But if I affirm what I gained from part-time work this much, the necessity of going to grad school looks much weaker. Indeed, during the three years when part-time work and study overlapped, what I learned didn't make my future career any clearer, and I still couldn't say what my professional ability is or which industry I definitely wanted to join.

Looking back now, I really do feel this grad school wasn't necessary, but I don't feel regret.

Class discussions brought many new perspectives and views, making friends with like-minded people brought growth in thinking and spirit through our talks, and my advisor's patient guidance and company came with a lot of inspiration.
I can now confidently affirm myself: back then I struggled so hard and actively explored the questions behind the questions. I was also incredibly lucky with everyone I met in that time, who gave me guidance whenever I felt "stuck".

It doesn't matter how you choose, no option is right or wrong. Of course, when making a choice, we always weigh up which is more worthwhile. When you can't pick, choose what you like and can take the consequences of. As long as you work hard to explore within it, whether the goal you hope to get from it or the answer to your confusion, no choice is wasted. No choice is wasted.

Just as, three years later, I still can't answer "what is my professional ability?", but I no longer feel anxious about it, because for "professional ability", beyond how good I am at drawing, design or coding, or the image of a profession like accountant, lawyer or doctor, I can now see my own strengths and the places where I can put in effort.